How To Tell If Your Chiropractor Is Crazy

When I was 14, I broke my spine. It was very and painful and it also never happened. However, I was 14 when the doctor told me I had mild scoliosis. It's not really that painful unless I do something stupid like lift an anvil, bend over improperly or misconjugate a verb. It always heals quickly and was usually just a minor inconvenience. I got a new outlook on one fateful February.

I went to one of those super fancy Ye Olde University Health Faires where they show you wierd stuff and then suck your blood out. While waiting in line for the blood sucking part, I saw a chiropractor set up at a booth who was checking people out for horrific deformities. I decided to have him check me out and see how messed up I was. After a series of tests, he confirmed that I was indeed a cripple of epic proportions. He suggested I visit him at his office. The first visit with x-rays was only $20, so I decided to go.

My visits with him were informative, hilarious and scary. I wasn't sure if he got nervous around clients or just had no personality, because everything he said sounded really rehearsed. He would sometimes make jokes and then wait for me to laugh, if I didn't laugh it was very awkward. I told him at least five times that I had already been diagnosed with scoliosis. He kept saying things like, "Well, we'll take a look at that and get it taken care of." I think my answers didn't fit into his script.

After my x-rays came back, I returned so he could discuss his findings. He said, "See the way the bottom part of your spine is curving? Do you know what that's called?" I thought to myself, "I'm pretty sure it's called scoliosis, but he already knows I have that so it must be something else." I was silent for a few seconds trying to come up with some medical term, spinabifida? lumbago? herpes? No, that's an STD. He broke the silence saying, "It's scoliosis." I almost punched him in the back of the head. I didn't, however, mostly because I'm a sissy.

Then he suggested performing an adjustment. I agreed. I'd never been "adjusted" and thought it might be nice and it was. It hurt like hell for about 3 seconds and then felt awesome. Although doctors disagree with me, I speculate that human bones contain a small amount of heroine that is released when joints are cracked. An orthoped told me this is not the case. Doctors, what do they know.

Then the really wierd stuff began. He told me that all new patients had to attend a meeting where all the chiropractic stuff would be explained. I went and met the other doctor who worked at the office. The meeting was the kind of thing you would expect from a Tony Robbins seminar. He was very animated and emotional, and really kind of geeky. He seemed to believe that chiropractors could not only fix spines, but could fix your marriage and cure HIV. (I may be exaggerating). He also warned that out of place vertebrae in the lower back would make you lose sensation in your naughty bits.

After the meeting, one of the front desk girls sat down with me to talk about the treatment plan which had been made just for me. It involved visiting the office four times a week and giving them $3200.

It was at that point I realized these people were nut jobs. I never went back.

How to tell if you Chiropractor is crazy:

  • They don't listen to a word you say
  • Talking to them is awkward
  • They have Tony Robbins style informational meetings
  • They try to scare you with talk of naughty bit damage
  • They think you should come in 4 times a week
  • They charge you $3200 up front for a year of visits

June 2008