The Gay Marriage Essay

I was just reading some letters to the editor in my local newspaper. I count on these letters to inform me about the world, to be a fount of wisdom, a deep well of endless enlightenment. There was a completely genius letter a man wrote about why gay marriage will destroy America. He pointed out that if we allow gays to get married then we have to allow all kinds of crazy marriages. He’s right. Allowing gay marriage will send us down a slippery slope. I mean, if we let gays marry just because they say they’re in love then we can also allow polygamy or incestuous marriages. People could even marry someone of another race. People could marry their pet dog. People could marry their yacht.

I agree with the author of the letter that it would be utter chaos. If a woman married her pet dog then that dog would be her husband. The poor dog would have to go get a job to support her. He’d have to take out the garbage, mow the lawn or fix a leaky faucet. I really don’t think a dog could do all that. Not even Lassie. If a man married a yacht then that yacht would be his wife. Can you see a yacht cooking, cleaning or making babies? I also don’t think a yacht would be capable of going to social functions and pretending to be interested in his stories when she has heard them a million times already. Can you imagine if the yacht wore high heels. She would be so much taller than her husband it would be ridiculous! Worst of all, can you imagine the implications of interracial marriages? So far, no one has ever married a person from another race. That would be terrible! They would have to decide which one of them was racially superior. What language would they speak? Heavens! Their kids would be some kind of half and half mix!!! I don’t think I could live in a world full of racial ambiguity.

I just had a revelation. Once when I was eight years old I said I loved chocolate cake and my cousin said, “Why don’t you marry it?” If we let gays get married than I can marry chocolate cake. Chocolate cake would be the best wife ever!!!! Sweet, rich and full of goodness-the perfect wife! Go gay marriage! Woo-hoo!! Then I can make me a cake and live in wedded bliss. I changed my mind. Gay marriage would not destroy marriage, it would open the door to a whole new world of incredible marriage possibilities.

February 2007