I Can Solve the World's Problems

There are so many polemic issues in the world that seem to have no solutions. How do we feed starving children? What do we do with the poor? How can we help the elderly?It seems the more we think about these problems the more distant the answer becomes. How can we possibly help every one? Some issues are so complex that it is difficult to understand them. There is no way to solve a problem we can’t understand.However, I think the real problem is that we are unwilling to accept the solutions. Here are my solutions to these problems. If you don’t like them you need to stop being a sissy and do what’s best for humanity.

How do we feed starving children?

This is a no-brainer. There would be no starving children if there were no children. I’m not saying we should kill starving children. We should sterilize adults. Don’t pretend you’ve never thought about sterilizing someone so they couldn’t pass on their demon/ugly/not intelligent seed. I know you’ve thought about it. If we could sterilize the majority of people in impoverished countries the world would be freed from the guilt involved with allowing people to starve while we polish of that box of Oreos. Problem solved!

What to do with the poor?

Sterilizing people will do a lot to curb population growth and that alone would reduce poverty. However, it’s not quite enough. For a while I had toyed with the idea of launching the poor into space. It’s just not cost-effective. I came to the conclusion that the poor should be sold into slavery. Some people (people who are part of the problem and not part of the solution) have said slavery is immoral. The Bible doesn’t condemn slavery. We all know the Bible is the infallible foundation of our society. It is 100% correct and contains no moral ambiguity. Therefore, slavery is alright. Selling the poor into slavery will benefit every one. The poor would be given food, shelter and a sense of purpose. Those who own slaves would have more free time to pursue things that will really benefit society. Things like investing in the stock market, participating in Debutant Balls and improving their golf game. Problem solved!

How can we help the elderly?

This one is especially tricky. At first I thought the elderly should be sent to fight in Iraq. It would put an end to the shortage in troops. Clearly that is a better solution to the illegal immigrant problem. Because of my respect for contributions the elderly have made during their lives, I decided the solution for their solution would be multiple choice. They deserve to choose their own destinies.

How will you as an elderly person help America by not mooching off the money of others?

  • I will not retire. I will work until I am dead.
  • I will not get a flu shot.
  • I will become poor and sell myself into slavery.

Problem solved!

The world would be an Eden if everyone just did what I told them to do.

November 2006