How to Spare Your Children from the Evils of Harry Potter

We all know the Harry Potter books are truly evil writ penned by the Devil's hands. Like most of Satan's work, people love it. The wicked Harry Potter stories are just as popular as some of Beelzebub's other handiwork: alcohol, cigarettes, gambling, halter tops, Will and Grace and the myth of Global Warming. There are three ways you as a parent can stop your children from becoming Harry-Potter-lovin'-devil-worshippin'-witches!

First, don't let them read any of the books, see the movies or play with children who have. That may seem extreme to segregate them from other children. Would you let your kids play with someone who had cholera or some kind of flesh eating retrovirus? JK Rowling sold her soul so her books would spread the world like an evil cancer. You, as a parent, must be that cancer's chemotherapy.

Second, don't let them study Latin. You see, all the spells in the books are in Latin. Witchcraft was one of the evils brought into the world by the Roman Empire. The mother of romance languages will not only spawn satanic rituals, it will also turn your kids snobby and probably make them study other Liberal Arts. Remember, no Latin = no witchcraft!

Harry Potter and the Hellbound witches

Third, celebrate Holyween this year. Instead of dressing your kids up in godless pagan style, keep them home where they can wear ascetic clothes, read scriptures, pray, sing unpretentious hymns and perform self-flagellation. Holyween: like Halloween without the abomination.

It takes a lot of work to keep the diabolical whispers of Harry Potter out of your home, but it's more than worth it. When your children are shielded from the fiery pits of hell, they'll thank you. This October, shun Potter and have a Happy...Holyween!

October 2007