Luv Poem Translator
Sonnet 130
William Shakepeare
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
Translation
My girlfriend is a bit cross-eyed;
She's fairly anemic as well;
She's kind of dirty and needs a shower;
She also needs to use conditioner during the shower.
My eyes work just fine and I can assure you,
She has skin on her face;
She needs to brush her teeth more
or use mints or something.
She really sounds like Fran Drescher;
but she talks about cool stuff sometimes;
I've never met Wonder Woman;
My girlfriend takes the bus, not an Invisible Jet.
Alright, she's not hot and her hygiene isn't the best
but I'm no catch, so I can't be picky.
Moral: Just be happy someone can tolerate you.
Sonnets from the Portuguese XIV
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile---her look---her way
Of speaking gently,---for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day'---
For these things in themselves, Belovèd, may
Be changed, or change for thee,---and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,---
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.
Translation
You should love me for no real reason
Love me for me, don't be all,
"She's hot, I gotta get with her."
Looks can be deceiving.
Just because I'm good arm candy
and it was warm outside doesn't mean I'm the one.
All of those things could change,
I could get sexy hair extensions that make you love me
If I could do that I could also make you unlove me
by wearing Men's athletic clothes.
Don't love me because I cry about everything,
you'll be sick of that in no time.
Love is magic and you should love me for who I am,
because I'm going to get old and fat.
Moral: Don't love me for superficial reasons. Also, buy me a diamond.
Songs of Solomon 8: 8-11
King James or something
We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we
do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?
If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and
if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar.
I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes
as one that found favour.
Translation
Our little sister is really flat chested, no man will ever be interested in her.
We can put make up on her and do her hair, but I don't think breast implants are feasible right now.
I mean, look at me, I'm hugely endowed and the men are all over me.
Moral: Men like bosoms.
February 2009
