The Life and Times of Saint Patrick
A brief biography
387 AD Saint Patrick was born in Britain and given the name Patrick Uther Higginbotham. The midwife was impressed with his beard.
401 Pat was kidnapped by Irish raiders and sold into slavery. He had to clean blarney stones and make corned beef for rich people.
407 He escaped Ireland and went back to his family. His mother was upset that he became a slave without even leaving a note.
412 Patrick left his life of sin and became a Christian. He was instantly advanced to the rank of Bishop and was given magical powers that would come in handy later.
428 He began his ministry in Ireland.
456 Patrick cast out the snakes, including Tiamat, the Babylonian Snake Godess, who was there for some reason.
478 Patrick was forced to fight an army of daleks who threatened to destroy Dublin.
493 Saint Patrick died when Satan crushed him with the moon.
Saint Patrick Mad Lib
fat, old Saint Patrick quickly picked a shamrock. He held it up to his hand and said, " Geez! There are too many dirty snakes in this land! They are evil and must be destroyed" All the mouth breathers who had come to hear his speech were filled with confusion. They looked at him and thought, "This guy is nuts, I bet he can't even poop." Patrick looked up to the heavens and said, "Oh, Lord, send fire from the skies to cleanse this land of those jerkwad snakes!" At that moment lasagna fell from the the heavens, covering the ground with its deliciousness. Patrick looked back up and said, Geez! That's not what I asked for." He looked back down to see thousands of snakes fangoriously eating. They were bingeing at an astronomical rate. But something was wrong, terribly wrong! The snakes began running, slowly at first but it got faster and faster until all the snakes had busrt into flames! And that is how St. Patrick got rid of the snakes.
March 2010
